


an eternity between your hands

by baecobz



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Photographer, Anxiety, College, Crushes, Drinking, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Genderqueer Character, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Photography, Pining, Touching, Trans Character, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-07 00:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15206714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baecobz/pseuds/baecobz
Summary: johnny gets closer to his newfound crush through a series of touches: all gentle, all vaguely platonic, and all heart-achingly significant.





	an eternity between your hands

the thing is, although johnny’s always been a sort of almost-but-not-quite moodmaker in social circles, there’s always been a line for him- make people laugh, but never at his own expense.

but taeil?

taeil’s always willing to make himself the butt of the joke, to poke fun at himself for the sake of cheering other people up. and that’s the other thing-- while johnny may be good at making quips or snarky remarks, taeil’s good at boosting people’s moods and using his commentary to cheer people up.

it’s a characteristic that johnny would envy if taeil didn’t always go out of his way to say the same thing about him.

(johnny still envies it, still wonders how he could somehow be the slightest bit more like taeil so that perhaps he could rest knowing he’s a decent person. he has a good heart, his definitely unbiased mom has said as much, but he’s never been good at translating his warmth into words. not like taeil.)

taeil compliments him all the time, actually. he calls johnny funny quite often, but he also describes johnny as “the tall, handsome one” or “the sweet guy you’d probably want to introduce to your mom, yeah, that’s the one, doesn’t he look like a charmer?” what had started out as flattering was now just embarrassing, mostly because of johnny’s newfound crush on the other.

it was one thing to think that the other was nice and maybe a little good looking, but it was a whole other issue when johnny found himself daydreaming about holding his hand (it looked soft, sue him) or resting his chin on taeil’s head or literally anything that could hint at something romantic between them.

like, say, listening to taeil crack a joke and wondering what it’d be like to kiss him mid-laugh.

taeil was a funny, bright guy, johnny knew that, so he was never surprised when their other friends casually draped themselves across his shoulders or over his lap. they were all an affectionate bunch to begin with, and taeil was just an easy and very accepting target. even so, that didn’t stop the looks the rest of the school gave if one of them was being particularly touchy with taeil, or the comments that they seemed cute together.

everyone laughed it off well enough, and sometimes even johnny could make another joke out of it, but in reality?

his entire heart felt like it cracked whenever taeil pretended to go along with those comments, blowing a kiss to someone or leaning into their side more than necessary. taeil had even pretended to be yuta’s personal cheerleader, once, barely a step down from a supportive boyfriend, and that had just been for soccer practice instead of actual games.

the effort taeil had put in then was amusing, sure, but above all else it made johnny’s heart ache with want.

“maybe you should do something about it?” yukhei suggests once, when he and johnny are waiting for the next overwatch game to load. mark is in the kitchen cleaning up after they had obliterated taeyong’s snack cabinet, and johnny’s indescribably grateful for having such amazing friends. yukhei has been playing with him for five hours straight now, ever since johnny texted him that he was bored and in a funky mood after his morning lecture-- and mark’s just been cheering them on. (partially because he’s just trying to be a patient boyfriend for yukhei, but johnny’s still benefiting, so.)

“do something about it?” johnny can’t help it if the words echo helplessly in his throat, foreign and uncomfortable.  _ it’s not that easy _ , he thinks, but then he stops himself, because it kind of is.

“yeah, just start small. if you like him, go for it, you know?”

it’s a simple suggestion, but one that he needs to hear-- mark mumbles something like  _ captain obvious, much  _ when he throws himself between them, complaining about how big they are and how small their brains are.

johnny just laughs and mindlessly taps away at his controller, his head going a mile a minute with the idea of just fucking  _ going for it _ .

“wild.” he says to himself. mark shoots him a look from where he’s now situated in yukhei’s lap and grins.

“no idea what you’re talking about,” mark hums, “but yeah, dude. wild.”

and really, with support like that, what else could johnny need?

he is, after all, someone who usually works for what he wants, and taeil is no exception. while johnny may not be the best at outrightly admitting his feelings, he trusts that all he needs is to psyche himself up for a bit, and then he’ll be able to confess without a hitch.

of course, the whole “psyching himself up” bit is a tad hard.

it has to start lowkey, of course, because johnny knows that otherwise he’d get too worked up to talk to taeil properly; he builds up to it with quick bouts of interaction and soft touches that he hopes can lead up to his inevitable confession.

another issue arises before the plan even begins: since he’s not used to just going up to taeil and initiating affection, he can’t exactly ask for attention-- so he figures he has to start small.

baby steps, johnny reminds himself, even as jaehyun shakes his head because  _ baby steps are bullshit; when’s the last time you saw a baby actually get anywhere on its own? _

anyways.

johnny breaches the unfamiliar territory with high fives, first.

their friend group’s biweekly game nights are energetic and loud enough as is, and it’s almost too easy to call for high fives whenever he and taeil win a game or make a good play. even when he knocks taeil off the road in mario kart, he’s met with a wide grin and a raised hand. it makes his heart speed up, somehow, and he spends the rest of the night trying to calm it down.

moments like those start to grow ever so slowly, until at one point, taeil nearly collapses across mark and yukhei’s legs to reach for a high five from johnny.

“you won’t die if he doesn’t high five you, you know.” taeyong laughs, but taeil sticks out his tongue and uses the opportunity to hold johnny’s hand briefly. it’s only for a moment, a flash of electricity and unfamiliarity that sears itself against johnny’s palm, and johnny decides he would spend the rest of his life getting electrocuted so long as taeil’s warmth came with it.

“we’re talking about taeil,” sicheng rolls his eyes, expression fond from behind his can of soda, “he would die over smaller things.”

jaehyun coughs out something that sounds suspiciously close to  _ yeah, like johnny’s smile _ . taeil lets go of johnny’s hand to smack him, pouting when he turns back to the game, and johnny’s entire heart melts.

his fingers curl experimentally at his side, curious over the warmth and gentleness that came with tiny, calloused hands and how it would feel to hold them again, but longer. under the table on a dinner date, maybe, or across a library table.

he spends the rest of the evening covering his urge to reach out, stifling it under laughter and more casual, fleeting touches. half of them aren’t even with taeil, instead lingering by jaehyun or yukhei. none of them feel quite right, but johnny’s too scared to check to make sure taeil’s would; johnny’s hands feel too big for the rest of the night, never quite stopping until taeil’s own brushes past as they say their inevitable goodbyes.

when he goes to sleep that night, he can’t help but squint up at the shadows of his hand and imagine how nice it’d feel to have taeil’s fingers between his own.

(he goes to sleep dreaming about clouds and petal touches, warm in his palm but always quick to drift away.)

after that night, johnny does a bit of thinking. a self evaluation, if you will, to shed some light onto his crush and what exactly he’s feeling. he’s been in a few relationships during high school, but none of them had ever been serious, and certainly none of them had been with a close friend.

that’s the scariest part. it takes johnny an hour to even acknowledge, and then he’s panicking for a bit before taeyong stumbles into their room and manages to offer a few profound words of wisdom before passing out on his bed.

johnny himself ends up knocking out a few hours later, exhaustion taking priority even as he mulls over the differences between crushes and infatuations, mind going blank before his  _ to consider _ list has been fully checked off.

the rest of it is saved for him to think about throughout the rest of the week, between classes or in line at the cafeteria or on the bus, filling whatever tiny pockets of johnny’s life that taeil hasn’t already spread to.

it’s because of that week that johnny thinks he has a good handle on his crush. because yeah, maybe taeil will smile at him and he’ll spit his coffee onto his laptop keyboard and have to get it replaced (a very specific situation that definitely hasn’t happened before), but johnny deals with his emotions fairly well.

mark says it’s just because he’s not as bad compared to all of their friends who, save for taeil because he’s literally perfect, might as well refuse to admit that they even have emotions in the first place.

johnny says he’s being too harsh, and that their friends only look that bad in comparison because johnny’s so emotionally intelligent.

mark, of course, always brings up that one time where johnny had a breakdown because he was repressing his near- panic attack over a failed paper. it’s a low blow, low enough for johnny to always concede and give up. they’ve never gotten any further in that conversation.

but  _ still _ . johnny’s good when it comes to relationship-involved emotions, at least.

that’s probably why he so eagerly jumps into improvement. the tiny interactions he gets with taeil are exhilarating; after every miniscule bit of contact, he’s left with another hour lying awake at night, replaying those tiny scenes on loop.

and those moments are great, wonderful even, but johnny’s so enamored with everything taeil does that he wants  _ more _ . he wants full-body hugs in lieu of greetings, or arms slung around shoulders for an entire night. he wants to hold taeil often enough for him to focus on the warmth instead of his pounding heart.

he’s got a long way to go, but as slow as he is, he still moves forward.

their interactions grow ever so slowly into containing bigger, longer touches-- most of the time taeil’s the one initiating it, but so long as johnny stays pliant and relaxed under him, he figures it still counts as a win. he’ll take whatever taeil gives him, honestly.

taeil leans against him like it’s the easiest thing to do, leaving johnny to sit there and sweat, both content and nervous to take on the role of taeil’s newest pillow.

it still takes a lot of getting used to, though, mostly thanks to johnny’s habit of fidgeting whenever anyone starts any sort of physical contact, but he manages.

then the skinship grows into pats and nudges, with the occasional shoulder bumps making johnny’s toes curl. he gets a little bit more used to it when he’s the one initiating, but taeil will still catch him off guard when he rests his head against johnny’s shoulder and smiles like it doesn’t mean anything, like there’s no reason to panic when it’s just a little physical affection.

at some point, johnny finds himself growing more comfortable with initiating little touches. that’s a major win for him, honestly.

he stops contemplating and overthinking every millisecond of skin on skin, and instead occupies his time with enjoying each inch of contact and the comfort it provides. taeil’s constantly warm and bright, anyways, and johnny would be a fool not to spend his free time bathing in it.

brushing shoulders transitions seamlessly into linking arms, which in turn brings johnny’s hands against taeil’s as the older boy plays with his fingers and intertwines them without a second thought.

he makes it look easy, johnny notes, which means johnny is able to benefit from their more-frequent contact, but also means that taeil’s clearly not as hung up as he is about their every interaction.

johnny figures he must be pretty obvious with his feelings, especially with how obvious he is when he blushes under taeil’s touch or shifts to sit closer into his orbit, but taeil refuses to do anything other than take it in stride. he doesn’t acknowledge it in the slightest, doesn’t mention it or push against it or smile about it or  _ anything _ .

for awhile, johnny thinks that he’s either unintentionally subtle, or taeil is inhumanly oblivious. maybe both. johnny’s not very good at expressing his emotions, after all.

a few weeks later, after the culmination of a dozen incidents of hand-holding and the like, johnny starts to consider that perhaps all of his efforts haven’t gone unnoticed.

while most of their interactions had felt significant, their effect had always been less so; even with taeil’s hand on his thigh or johnny’s hovering carefully over the small of taeil’s back, it’s not like their dynamic has changed at all. they’re a little more comfortable around each other, sure, but it always boils down to the same push and pull that had drawn johnny in in the first place.

that all starts to change with what’s probably one of the most significant days of johnny’s life: his first off-campus art show. it’s a small event, a promotional show for local artists to promote their work; a few of johnny’s photographs had been chosen, as well as an art installation that a friend of a friend had done, so their entire friend group decided they might as well stop by.

its importance had found a place on johnny’s  _ to worry about _ list for a number of reasons. to begin: johnny’s been featured in a few events, sure, but they’d all been on campus and with his professors and classmates there by his side. this is a big opportunity for him, even to just have his art  _ out there _ , and he’s terrified that he’s going to somehow ruin it.

it’s partially because of that idea that johnny’s even more worried about other aspects: opening it up to his friends is something that he’s never really considered before, aside from the occasional shot he’ll let his friends see in the developing room. (no one else is really in the visual arts department, so any access to his work is limited to what he lets them see. it used to be a reassuring power, but now it’s laden with guilt and second-guesses.)

it doesn’t help that among those friends is taeil, the very one who johnny had used as an inspiration of sorts for a lot of his photographs. he can’t exactly take a lot of pictures of the other boy, not when he’d felt too creepy or invasive whenever he had tried to raise his camera for a quick candid shot.

so instead of taking pictures of taeil, he did the next best thing: taking pictures of anything and everything that reminds him of the other boy, whether it be flowers that he thinks would suit him or a landscape with hills reminiscent of taeil’s smile.

he ends up getting to the venue half an hour after the event starts, which means he gets to take his fine time stressing out in the parking lot before going in and seeing all of his friends’ reactions. (read: taeil’s.) it shouldn’t freak him out as much as it does, but his photos have always been personal and important-- if the most important people in his life criticize the most important  _ thing _ , he’s not quite sure how he could deal with it.

mark and yukhei had already texted saying they’d be a bit late, something about a t-shot and date plans, so johnny doesn’t quite know who he should expect to see when he enters the building. taeyong’s usually a stickler for punctuality, so johnny wouldn’t be surprised to see him lurking by some moody abstract paintings or surrealist portraits. if he’s there, there’s a good chance that he’d have driven jaehyun and sicheng as well, which would inevitably include taeil (perks of being roommates with jaehyun? whenever his boyfriend drives him places, you automatically get a free ride).

_ ah, taeil _ , his mind notes helpfully, tiny brain goblin cackling in the background,  _ the person whose opinion scares you the most _ .

_ fuck you _ , johnny tells the goblin,  _ even if he hates it, it won’t be the end of the world. he’s just one person _ .

_ sure jan. not like you’re in love with him or whatever _ . the goblin keeps laughing, loud enough that johnny has to slam his car door to drown out the noise. in love or not, he’s going to understand and accept taeil’s reactions, whatever they may be. he’s worked too hard and come too far to lose it all over one person. if his entire friend group decides to ridicule him, that’d be another story, but he refuses to believe his friends would do that to him.

(even if he doesn’t deserve it, he knows just how kind and encouraging all of them are. taeil is one of them, he reminds himself, chants it in his head while he drowns out the background noise.)

_ and that’s why it’s gonna hurt more when he points out how shitty your crap is _ . the brain goblin snickers, always needing to slide in one last debilitating comment.

_ shut up _ . johnny thinks. he refuses to give any more reactions for the rest of the night.

when johnny steps into the gallery, all it takes is a few steps before he can see taeil and jaehyun laughing over something by some installations; he barely even hesitates before he’s walking over, arm pressed against taeil’s shoulders as he murmurs a soft  _ hey _ . jaehyun shoots him a look but keeps talking, going on about dogs and ice cream coupons.

taeil turns to smile at johnny in lieu of an actual greeting, presses a little closer against him and nods along with jaehyun’s rant.

johnny watches curiously, lips curled up even as jaehyun starts swearing at big corporations or capitalism, or something along those lines. he zones out a little, too busy staring at the curve of taeil’s smile or the crinkle in his eyes. it’s not long until watching becomes too boring, and johnny finds himself reaching out for some sort of contact.

his hand lands softly on the back of taeil’s neck, fingers playing with his hair absentmindedly even as taeil momentarily stills. he’s back to talking in half a second, quick as ever, and johnny uses the chance to trail his hand down taeil’s back, enjoying the slope and edges of the other boy beneath him. johnny lets his hand rest there, comfortable, and pretends not to notice when taeil leans in even closer.

something johnny has noticed over these past few moments is that taeil, while unfazed when it comes to initiating contact and gentle touches, never really seems prepared when people do the same. it mostly happens with johnny, where he’ll reach out to touch, only to be met with a tense shoulder or fidgeting hands, but it happens with some of their other friends, too-- the other day yuta had reached out for a hug, and taeil had blinked at them for a moment or two before finally stepping between their arms.

it’s like he never seems to expect it, and johnny decides on the spot that he’s going to keep showering the shorter boy in affection and warm touches until he’s learned to accept and appreciate how deserving of it he is.

(every time, though, johnny extends a hand or a shoulder and waits for taeil to stay firm and tense beneath his touch, for taeil to lean away or make that telltale expression of discomfort. johnny watches his face carefully, always, to look for any signs to yield and retreat. time and time again, there are none.)

jaehyun laughs at something taeil says, eyes flickering to johnny’s and shifting into a familiar  _ you’re so dumb _ expression; then he’s mumbling something about checking on taeyong, waving them off and jogging over to the snack table.

“hey.” johnny says quietly, and he must be smiling dumbly at taeil, because the shorter boy laughs and looks to the side in the bashful way he only gets when johnny looks at him with stars in his eyes.

“hey yourself.” taeil snorts, “when did you get here?”

“a few minutes ago.” johnny admits, although he can’t quite bring himself to mention the fact that he spent nearly thirty minutes in his car outside the venue, worrying about any potential interactions with taeil. “how long have you been here?”

“forever.” taeil laughs, loud and lovable, and johnny can practically feel his heart burst. “i’m glad you’re here. it was boring without you.”

“what, jaehyun’s not good enough company?”

“i’m not the person that he really wanted to talk to.” taeil says it simply, like he’s used to being able to piece together everyone’s interactions and motivations in the palm of his hand. this moment may not be the first time that johnny considers that taeil knows just how big his crush on him is, but it certainly feels more real now. it’s not something he wants to think about, so he pushes it aside for his insecurities to toy with and keeps his mouth in a tight smile. “besides, it’s not like i was waiting for him, either.”

“oh?” johnny raises an eyebrow, hopes he doesn’t look like the asshole frat boy that yuta jokingly says he seems like when he does it. he doesn’t want to get excited, but his hopes are already high enough that he has a clear picture of what it’s going to be like when they shatter. “who were you waiting for?”

“you, silly.” taeil hits his shoulder. “didn’t wanna see your stuff until you got here, but i was getting impatient.” he pulls away from where he’s leaning against johnny’s chest to take a few steps forward. he looks over his shoulder and laughs, “why are you just standing there? c’mon, let’s go.”

johnny reaches out for his hand on instinct, and before he can even yell at himself for being so forward and self-centered, taeil takes it. he smiles at johnny like he’s glad they’re holding hands, like he’s been waiting for it ever since johnny came into the room, and suddenly johnny doesn’t feel so selfish anymore.

they make it to the hallway in moments, having to ask one of the guards there about where the photography exhibit is, and then they’re back to making their way across the venue with quiet steps and loud hearts.

“are you nervous?” taeil asks. he looks at johnny over his shoulder, always one step ahead. johnny knows that taeil’s already fully aware of the answer, is only asking to figure out  _ why  _ johnny’s nervous, but the question is still loaded with enough care to add a stumble to his step.

“just a little.” johnny bites his lip, keeps his eyes on the expanse of tile ahead of him. “hyung, it’s-- it means a lot to me that you’re here.”

“it means a lot that you’d let me be.” taeil’s always so quick with the responses, always keeping johnny on his toes with sweet touches or turns of phrase, and it’s just another thing johnny admires (and adores) about him.

_ thank you _ , johnny doesn’t say. he keeps his mouth shut until he’s brave enough to put his gratitude into words that he can actually understand; he’s never been as quick-witted as taeil, nor as openly appreciative as the boy beside him. it’s something he wants to change.

they get to johnny’s exhibit sooner than he’d like, imagination going a mile a minute with the idea of taeil standing in front of johnny’s prints, the muse in front of the masterpiece.

johnny doesn’t say anything, just takes a step back and gnaws at his bottom lip while taeil stares. he mumbles little comments as he looks at the photos, things like, “oh, that must’ve been hard to shoot,” or “so that’s the picture you took on your road trip”. mostly, taeil stays quiet.

johnny knows it’s not a bad thing, but he’s been worrying over this moment for so long that he can picture how any given scenario can go downhill.

“i’m not going to lie,” taeil says eventually, voice breathless and beautiful (and johnny’s chest tightens because his photos did that,  _ he _ did that), “i kind of wish they were bigger. i could, fuck, i feel like i could get lost in them.” he turns to johnny, careful smiling playing at his lips, “they’re beautiful, johnny. thank you.”

“for what?” johnny can’t help the disbelief in his words, can’t help how slow he is when it comes to picking up on any of taeil’s remarks. in every way possible, he’s a fool for taeil.

“for letting me be here. for showing me this. for coming with me. for even telling me about this exhibit. for being so wildly talented. for  _ everything _ . thank you, johnny seo.”

johnny is struck, for what is probably the first of many times, with just how brilliant taeil is. while he’s never been one to back down from a good-natured argument or an immediate thought-out retort, he doesn’t show off often enough just how good he is with his words. it makes johnny just a bit more flustered doing moments like these, as though he doesn’t already fumble around taeil enough as is.

but.

he might not be quite as good with his words as taeil, but he’s getting better with his hands-- he reaches out for taeil and tangles their fingers together. they’d stopped holding hands just a few moments before they had gotten to johnny’s photos, probably, but being reconnected came with an overwhelming warmth.

johnny squeezes, tries to condense every emotion into the gaze of his eyes and the weight of his palm. he doesn’t think it works, but taeil keeps smiling like he knows all the secrets in the universe, so johnny keeps his mouth shut and hand outstretched to taeil’s side.

johnny briefly wonders why he’s been so concerned over taeil’s reaction to his photographs-- yes, his photography has always been something special and personal to him, but taeil’s reaction in particular always held high priority in johnny’s mind. it wasn’t just because of his crush (screw you, brain goblin), but perhaps because taeil had always been johnny’s inspiration.

thinking back to the picture of every print laid out on the wall, bold and bare under taeil’s eyes, it looked suspiciously like a confession, like every bit of adoration johnny gave through his hands had been condensed into those photos.

it was a terrifying thought, mostly because johnny wasn’t quite sure what taeil’s reaction meant.

it wasn’t quite a rejection, nor an acceptance-- just the briefest of acknowledgements, enough to make johnny’s head spin while he grips onto taeil’s hand like a lifeline.

before he can dwell on it much longer, he hears a bright voice shattering their carefully built moment. he has to tear his eyes away from taeil’s disappointed expression and the furrow in his brow to look to the source of the noise.

“hey, hyung!” mark cheers from the doorway, an equally excited yukhei quick to follow behind him. “we just saw your stuff, and it’s  _ amazing _ . i didn’t know you were so talented!”

“that shit belongs in a museum.” yukhei nods sagely. he’s leaning on mark’s shoulder, and they’re both looking at him with wide, barely-concealed grins. johnny knows it’s more because of his and taeil’s joined hands than the photos, but he mutters thanks through gritted teeth regardless. as soon as he gets home, he’s definitely going to bring out some old screenshots to remind them not to be so embarrassingly obvious around taeil.

to the older boy’s credit, he just smiles and nods, nudging johnny’s side with his elbow and saying  _ i told you so _ , pointedly enough that mark and yukhei exchange a knowing look without realizing how obvious they are.

johnny forces his smile to stay put. he’s gonna make them regret asking him for love advice back in high school. those saved conversations contain quite a few memories that he can’t wait to make them relive.

as though sensing his schemes, taeil tugs him away with a gently-worded excuse and poorly-concealed concerns, leading the taller boy over to the snack table and grabbing them both a cup of water.

“they’re good kids.” taeil says, lips pursed over the plastic cup’s rim. he looks handsome and kissable and far too perfect.

johnny turns away and chugs the plastic cup, still trying to smile.

it’s hard not to think about kissing taeil, because even when he looks away, there’s a giant colored photograph johnny had taken of a gas station with reds that echoed taeil’s lips, and he just can’t get the idea out of his head.

_ just once _ , he says to himself,  _ before he rejects you and everything goes to shit, just kiss him once _ .

_ you won’t even get that far _ . the tiny goblin in his head hisses.  _ he’ll push you away before you get close _ .

johnny tosses his cup into the recycling and links his arm with taeil’s.  _ fuck off, brain goblin _ .

“it’s getting late. i should probably turn in for the night.” taeil tugs johnny closer, eyes bright when he tugs him towards the entrance. “wait with me while i call a lyft?”

“hey, didn’t you say you were saving up for school stuff? don’t bother with lyft. i can drive you back.” johnny says. it’s an offer he doesn’t make often, usually because their friends insist on fast food breaks and blasting bass-boosted house music-- even if that’s exactly what taeil wants, johnny knows he wouldn’t be able to refuse. whether or not that’s a bad thing is still under debate.

“are you sure? jaehyun’s gonna have to leave eventually, so i could even just try and pick a ride with him and taeyong again.”

“no, i don’t mind. your place is on the way, anyways.” johnny forces a smile and desperately hopes that the blatant lie slips past unnoticed. by the way taeil raises an amused eyebrow and snickers, it didn’t.

“on the way.  _ right _ .”

for what it’s worth, taeil doesn’t make any other comments; he lets johnny run out to bring the car around, waiting by the front entrance where it’s safe from the rain. when he gets in the car, though, he wipes some of the raindrops from johnny’s temple and makes him swear to get changed into something warm and cozy as soon as he gets home.

the drive to taeil’s apartment is quiet.

sometimes taeil will hum snippets of songs under his breath, radio tunes and nostalgic ballads that tempt johnny to lean closer and sway to. if he weren’t driving, he would be easily persuaded; taeil’s voice is mesmerizing if not absolutely breathtaking, and it’s all too easy to get lost in even the briefest measures of his voice.

when they arrive at taeil’s shared apartment, a small but cozy space downtown with barely-alive bushes out front, taeil has long since stopped singing. johnny turns off the car engine and savors the brief moment where taeil reaches over to squeeze his hand once, gently, before he steps out of the car.

the rain has died down to the faintest of showers, and now it’s more familiar, feather-light pecks than anything else.

in fact, it’s almost comfortable as it patters down against johnny’s shoulders, reflecting headlights and street signs when taeil walks around the car and towards his apartment door. johnny checks to make sure nothing had fallen out of his pockets and onto his car seat, locking the door behind him and putting on an awkward smile while his car beeps back at him.

taeil makes it to his doorstep before he’s turning around, back do the door so he can grin down at johnny with open arms.

“c’mere.” he says, louder than he probably needs to, and johnny could never say no to him. he nearly skips up the steps, grinning stupidly against taeil’s rain-kissed hair and savoring the warmth of taeil in his arms. taeil gives great hugs.  _ of course he does _ , johnny sighs,  _ he’s perfect _ .

taeil presses a kiss to johnny’s cheek and smiles like he knows the feeling will be branded onto johnny’s skin for the rest of his life. it feels like recognition, almost, like an acceptance of the heart that johnny had laid bare for him. tacked onto the end of it is a note that says  _ wait just a little longer _ . at least, that’s what his brain  _ thinks _ it feels like, because johnny’s jittery with hours-old fear and the adrenaline from the peck, so he’s even worse at reading people (or himself) than usual.

“i’ll see you around.” taeil says, already slipping into his apartment. johnny stumbles down a step, eyes never leaving taeil’s, and he smiles back.

(taeil’s eyes get impossibly brighter from where he stands, halfway behind the door. perhaps johnny falls in love a little more at the sight of it, but no one needs to know.)

“thank you again, hyung.” if taeil had asked him for what, johnny doesn’t think he would’ve been brave or aware enough to give the sort of answer that taeil had given earlier. fortunately, taeil doesn’t ask, instead just laughs and rolls his eyes.

“thank  _ you _ ,” he insists, “get home safe, johnny.”

he closes the door quietly, gentle enough that johnny almost forgets to worry about the tightness of skin over bones or the dulling ache in his head. he just gets back into his car, staring at the flickering street light for a few minutes before turning on the engine and heading back home.

his thoughts are quiet and distant for the rest of the night, leaving johnny to ignore how comfortable it had been to lean against taeil’s side.

that’s for another time.

as it turns out, that other time doesn’t really come-- when johnny manages to skirt around the idea of butterflies erupting around taeil’s smile, it’s not so easy to ignore the clattering of whispers and pin drops between his ribs whenever taeil leans in a little closer during their group outings.

that’s the thing, though; as much as the two of them have grown closer lately, it’s always been in the presence of their friends. even when they’re technically separate, yuta or sicheng or  _ someone _ will be there to keep them feeling safe and grounded. you can never really worry about a friendly get together feeling too much like a date when the rest of your friends keep popping in to whisk you away before your thoughts can catch up to you.

now, though, johnny doesn’t have the rest of their friends there to distract him.

instead, he has taeil sobbing on a bench under the stars, looking up at him with tear-stained cheeks and tremors in his hands, and every single fiber in johnny’s body shuts down.

johnny’s never comforted taeil before, not when most of his time has instead been spent laughing by the other’s side, surrounded by mutual friends and familiar conversations. it had always been easy, really, because even with his terrifying crush and insecurities, johnny had never had to deal with much beyond that.

and to go from that to stumbling by taeil’s side, silent as he pretends to know how he’s supposed to help-- it’s almost too much. the notion must be obvious beneath the tremble in his fingers as he skirts ever closer to taeil’s legs, just a heartbeat away from contact with consequences that johnny can’t understand.

“d’you wanna talk about it?” he tries. taeil won’t even look at him, just continues to use his sleeves to wipe at his cheeks and cry. it’s sad to look at, really, and johnny hopes the wavering in his voice doesn’t express just how heartbreaking it is to watch.

“i just-- my econ professor says he might not accept my paper because it’s not what he had in mind, and my mucomp professor yelled at me because he lost my work, my neighbor is a jackass with no regard for public decency, and mark and yukhei visited yesterday and  _ literally _ set half the fridge on fire.”

“hey.” johnny sits down entirely, stretches his legs out and tries not to sound desperate, “take a deep breath, buddy. it’s not gonna help if you keep stressing yourself out.”

taeil nods, choking out a little air in what’s probably supposed to be a significant exhale. it’s a little pathetic.

very, very slowly, he extends a hand over taeil’s shoulder. it hesitates for a moment, hovering, before finally settling against his skin. the contact feels right, a perfect match of heat and gentle tenderness that johnny’s not used to giving, but taeil leans into the touch and sobs into johnny’s chest like they’re closer than they really are.

the whole scene feels significant, somehow, and johnny hates how good it feels to be able to comfort taeil, to know that he can give some semblance of warmth to the older boy.

(he wishes that it were under different circumstances, or that his stupid crush wasn’t there to twist the gentle moment and all of his motivations within it.)

taeil sags next to him, almost collapses against johnny’s frame; when johnny looks down and uses his spare hand to tuck away a few strands of hair, taeil’s breath is already losing its warmth against the starlit sky and all its coldness. johnny tugs him just a bit closer, murmurs something about the chilly air and the freezing weather under his breath, and focuses on the tiniest, most hesitant quirk of taeil’s lips as the two of them squeeze closer together.

new goal: make taeil smile at least once before the night is over.

“you feeling a little better?” johnny asks eventually, because he can only survive so long waiting in silence and pretending his heart doesn’t crumble with every pathetic sniffle and shake of taeil’s shoulders. he runs his hand on his back, tries to imitate some sort of comforting gesture that could ease taeil somehow, breath quiet as taeil sighs.

“i think so. i’m just really tired, you know?”

“you must be. you just cried for, like, an hour. but hey,” johnny says quietly, voice low and hesitant against his throat, “it’s gonna be okay.”

he doesn’t really know if the situation will ever clear up, if taeil’s classes will get any easier or the workload any more bearable, but johnny figures that he knows taeil well enough to understand that the older boy is indescribably tough. knock him down, and he’ll come up ready to swing.

even if the world doesn’t get better, taeil’s tough enough for it not to matter. johnny’s just there to remind him to wait until he can prove it.

after that night, it’s like something big changes. there’s a shift in gears, a switch of tracks, and suddenly johnny’s diving headfirst into a life of easy touches with taeil by his side, smiling and interlacing hands like they’ve been doing it for years.

he hasn’t really had to witness any low points after that, more preoccupied with coursework and get-togethers than looking out for any more potential breakdowns.

of course, he’ll still text taeil every once in awhile, although mostly in group chats; it often feels like he’s only capable of speaking up after taeil mentions a project or new assignment, firing back with a quick  _ good luck, lmk if you need help _ text.

even with the incident of comfort and consolidation, it still feels like they’re not quite close enough to reach out to each other one on one. maybe it’s just johnny’s insecurity getting in the way, but he can never bring himself to reach the level of casualness that everyone seems to think he should have.

but the change still extends to their usual touches, at least-- johnny finds himself with growing confidence when it comes to leaning against taeil’s shoulder or pulling the other boy to rest his head on his lap.

that itself is enough to satiate the tiny screaming gobin in johnny’s head, and although his heart has never quite seemed to fully settle down, he figures it’s not going to get any worse.

of course, he’s wrong.

they’re all playing card games, a cacophony of made up games and genuinely unfair rules (sicheng automatically winning whenever he pulls out an ace of hearts is probably johnny’s least favorite), and tonight, like many nights, they’re looking for a reward to the night’s madness.

they’ll still often settle on battling for pride and choosing embarrassing dares, but this evening finds them searching for something different.

“winner chooses who pays for dinner tomorrow?” kun suggests.

“nah, too simple, and we’re all broke,” jaehyun sighs. everyone else murmurs in agreement, although mark is quick to point out that half of them got awarded new scholarships and can probably spare enough cash for a nice meal. the rest of the group erupts into chatter at that, teasing and familiar and loud, and johnny is content to lean back to watch.

“winner gets a kiss from taeil!” yuta yells over the group, probably as a joke, but several of them cheer like they’d refuse to accept anything else. they all end up voting by raising hands, and yukhei winks at johnny when they both raise theirs.

_ i got you _ , yukhei mouths from across the circle, to which johnny mouths back,  _ fuck you _ .

it’s settled then, although they only make it through a few rounds of mafia before taeyong’s insisting they wrap up.

“half of you have eight am classes tomorrow.” taeyong rolls his eyes when they all start to complain. evenings like this don’t happen often enough, especially with the proximity of exams and graduation looming over so many of their heads. “yuta, stop pouting. everyone, start picking up your trash.”

there’s a collection of groans and movements, unrefined and ordinary, as they all shuffle around the room to pick up chip bags and empty soda cans.

they filter in and out of the room to toss their trash away, conversation flowing easily even as johnny shifts uncomfortably in his bean bag chair. taeil is laughing at something sicheng had done, eyes crinkled with sunlight hiding in its creases.

the chatter of their friend group feels a little too overwhelming, sometimes.

“who won?” johnny cuts in. eight sets of eyes stare back at him, and he clears his throat.  _ act casual _ , he reminds himself.  _ you’re not supposed to care that much _ . “who, uh, won today’s game night? for the prize, or whatever.”

“ _ oh _ .” kun is the first to laugh, the sound as warm as it is mocking. “well, since you’re the only one who remembered, i’d say you’re the winner.”

“wait, what?” an ensemble of hesitant glances and barely concealed laughter meet johnny’s incredulous expression and he frowns. “hold on, guys,  _ someone’s _ gotta disagree with this.”

half a beat of silence and narrowed eyes surround him before the entire room starts to snicker, sicheng full-on cackling from his spot on taeil’s lap. he looks comfortable there. johnny wishes he could relate.

“no complaints.” yuta says, smile wide. “congratulations, johnny boy.”

in that moment, the world feels a little too big for johnny to handle.

he’s not sure when it happens, but somewhere between him gaping back at his traitorous friends and trying to coerce his heart into slowing back down, taeil makes his way over to johnny’s side.

“where do you want your kiss?” taeil asks. his voice alone is enough to catch all of johnny’s attention, focus zeroing in on the shine in the older boy’s smile.

johnny can feel everyone else staring at him, eyes picking apart the reddening hues on his cheeks. it’s embarrassing, but still nothing compared to the way taeil continues to look at him, casual and nonchalant as johnny falls apart.

“just on the cheek works for me.” johnny squeaks out. yukhei literally stops breathing because he’s laughing too hard, and taeyong gives johnny a sympathetic look. between them, jaehyun has slowly started to dissolve into hysterics.

johnny hates his friends.

(well, he doesn’t, but at moments like this he wants to. because  _ ugh _ , as if his crush wasn’t obvious enough, his jerks for friends never cease to make his awkward smittenness more clear.)

taeil doesn’t comment on it, pushes past everyone’s laughter and attention while he extends a hand. he’s still smiling as he brings johnny to his feet, gorgeous and effortless, and johnny can feel his ears burn.

he wonders when the last time was that his interactions with taeil stopped feeling like baby steps, and instead more like leaps on the moon, constantly threatening to pull him out of orbit, or like a shooting star just waiting to crash.

taeil tugs johnny along, brings him close enough to pat johnny’s ass with a grin.

“c’mon.” taeil says, far too comfortable with the whole situation than he should be. or maybe not? maybe he’s just the right amount of comfortable, and johnny’s the one overreacting and freaking out. or maybe it’s a bit of both. who’s to tell?

“enjoy your prize.” mark sing songs. it sounds suspiciously like something yukhei would say-- they’ve  _ definitely  _ been spending too much time together lately.

johnny flips him off before he makes it past the door frame, face flushed even as he hears kun laughing from around the corner. they’re in a room johnny’s never really been in before, a study of sorts complete with mahogany bookcases and a dusty desk. there’s a chair behind it, but there’s also a small cushioned loveseat that johnny can barely examine before taeil is shutting the door and caging him in.

taeil pushes him into the chair, eyebrow raised while johnny stares back. he straddles johnny’s lap easily, like he’s done it to so many people that he doesn’t even have to put effort into the movements anymore.

johnny doesn’t care so much that taeil’s clearly familiar with situations like this, but it does bother him that tonight seems like an ordinary occurrence for the older boy. to johnny, at least, it’s special, and he can only wish that one day taeil would feel the same way.

“ready for your kiss?”

_ it’s just on the cheek _ , johnny reminds himself as he nods.  _ it’s not a huge deal _ .

after all, taeil’s done it a few times before, although never ceasing to catch johnny off guard. he presses a brief kiss to johnny’s right cheek, the slightest bit of pressure searing itself onto johnny’s face.

even now, when taeil pulls back with barely flushed cheeks and a lopsided grin, johnny’s mind won’t stop reeling with the feeling of lips against his skin.

“you deserve another one.” taeil says quietly, and he shifts so he’s in a more comfortable spot on johnny’s lap. it’s like he fits there, body made to perch over johnny and keep him awestruck and grounded. taeil leans forward to press a sloppier kiss on johnny’s other cheek. he’s smiling even brighter afterwards, and it takes all of johnny’s willpower not to squint while he smiles back.

“another?” he asks weakly. his voice shakes, but taeil keeps his smile plastered on anyways and nods in agreement.

“another.” taeil nods. he leaves a quick peck to johnny’s forehead, then both his cheeks again, and then his nose. johnny can feel his pulse stuttering from where his hands are clenched around the chair’s armrests, and he wonders if taeil can feel it from where he sits.

“another,” taeil whispers it over and over, each time adding an extra stutter to the staccato of johnny’s heartbeat.

he only gets a few more moments to savor the entire scene, from the press of taeil’s lips to the feeling of his hands on johnny’s shoulders or weight in his lap, and then taeyong is rapping at the door.

“wrap it up, guys,” taeyong says it like he’s smiling, the inch of wood and brick between them doing little to conceal his laughter. johnny thinks he can hear yuta wheezing from the other room.

taeil goes to crawl off of johnny’s lap, but not before he offers one last press to johnny’s cheek. it doesn’t really feel any different from all the rest, but there’s a tension to taeil’s expression that betrays the casualness of the gesture.

“see you around.” taeil says softly. he slips out of the room, phantom weight keeping johnny pinned into his seat alongside the memory of his heavy gaze.

the door gets thrown open not even a moment after taeil leaves, yukhei peering around the doorframe with a grin and a thumbs up. the door is open wide enough for johnny to watch taeil make his way towards the foyer, subdued laughter following him on his way out.

“you good?” yukhei’s still grinning, but its placement is careful and unsteady-- not at all what johnny’s used to seeing on the bright boy. maybe the softened edges to taeil’s smile weren’t just johnny’s imagination if yukhei himself has entered the wreckage so cautiously.

“great.” johnny says. he thinks about the finality in taeil’s last brief peck and feels his stomach somersault.  _ great _ indeed.

the rest of the week has johnny wondering if, perhaps, the tipping point has finally arrived. if maybe he’ll have to confess outright just to avoid any strange behavior from taeil, to clear up the air between them.

he’s not sure if he’s ready to confess yet.

whenever he thinks about laying himself bare like that, he can’t stop picturing the look of wary refusal on taeil’s face, the contortion and furrowing in his expression as he gives the inevitable rejection.

the notion of that leads to a dozen sleepless nights on johnny’s end, only amplified when he distracts himself by replaying the night’s events from the party.

he’s constantly on edge because of it, brain running miles ahead of the rest of him without any sign of slowing down; but when they see each other again during a study session with mark and sicheng, it’s like that night had never happened-- there are no clearly hidden secrets or barely concealed issues, just the usual push and pull that johnny has grown to appreciate over the time that he’s known taeil.

johnny doesn’t complain, not when he’s been wishing for himself to somehow forget everything that had happened thus far.  _ no big deal _ , he tells himself,  _ just act normal _ .

which. acting like a casual dudebro friend typically isn’t far out of johnny’s comfort zone, but he can’t help how touchy he gets whenever he’s around taeil. it’s like all of his worrying over it before has stuck to a point that he can’t revert back.

after all, taeil, as johnny has come to appreciate, is at the perfect height for him to wrap an arm around his shoulders and tug him close.

it happens all too naturally at times, when they scoot into a booth while the rest of their friends clamber for seats at the campus diner, or when johnny has to physically drag taeil underneath the safety of his umbrella during a thunderstorm.

what johnny is still realizing, though, is that taeil’s also perfectly proportioned for him to place an arm around his waist and press into.

he’d noticed it a few times before, absentminded and scatterbrained, but it doesn’t really click until a particular event where taeil has to briefly step away from his hold and johnny’s arm feels weird at the loss. taeil steps back not a beat later, letting johnny fall back into orbit and his arm fall against taeil’s waist.

most of the time, it happens by accident; johnny’s hand will drift off of taeil’s shoulders to rub something comfortable against taeil’s back, only to fall moments later to the growing familiarity of taeil’s waist.

it feels nice, honestly, to hold taeil close and try to enjoy the possessiveness in his stomach recede, even though he knows the gesture stays platonic in taeil’s eyes. in fact, he’s pretty sure that taeil hasn’t seen any of johnny’s actions in any romantic sense.

it’s not until sicheng smiles at johnny from across their corner in the booth and says, “you know, i didn’t think taeil was into the romantic type until you came along.”

“excuse me?”

“well,” sicheng shrugs, “most of the people he’d dated before were casual, spontaneous, all of that. no one who’d care about anniversaries or would keep track of the dates they went on.”

“what does that have to do with me, exactly?” there’s a glint in sicheng’s eyes that’s far too knowing to be comforting, and it does very little to stop johnny from regretting his question.

“taeil knows you’re a romantic, and i honestly think he likes that about you.” from the other end of the booth, taeil perks up-- the lull in conversation must’ve been enough for the older boy to recognize his own name, and he meets johnny’s eyes with a raised eyebrow and half-smile. johnny’s heart does a flip between his ribs on pure reflex alone.

“huh.” johnny says intelligently. taeil looks away, refocusing on age-old banter and running jokes as johnny is left awestruck at his growing grin. “i mean, i don’t think he sees  _ what _ i do as romantic. it’s like, i don’t know, a romantic person doing platonic stuff for him. i think.”

“for someone so smart, you really are stupid.” sicheng takes a sip of his drink and sighs. “listen, okay? taeil would have to be an idiot not to realize that you like him. and,” he holds up a hand, already prepared to cut off johnny’s poorly worded interruption, “he knows that half the things you do are because of your crush. he knows they’re not platonic.”

“oh.”

he feels a little giddy, really, knowing that taeil sees all of his cheesy romanticism and accepts it anyways.

in fact, johnny’s so busy trying to subdue his expressions that he doesn’t really think about the rest of what sicheng had said, preoccupied with hidden giggles and visible excitement.

the full weight of sicheng’s words doesn’t drop until later in the evening, when the gravity finally starts to outweigh the hollow feeling in his bones that had been letting him soar.  _ because of your crush _ , sicheng’s voice echoes helplessly,  _ he knows _ . it hits every corner of johnny’s chest before the words drift, finally, to the bottom. maybe that’s why his heart feels like it’s sinking.

having a panic attack about the whole situation isn’t exactly ideal, and the possibility of freaking out when he’s still having dinner with his friends is enough of a scare for johnny to focus on breathing and just  _ thinking _ .

so.

taeil definitely knows about johnny’s crush.

it’s hard for johnny to wrap his head around that, but when he does, it makes a lot of sense; although johnny had considered it plenty of times before, now it’s finalized and concrete in front of him. no second guessing, no assumptions or suspicions-- just sicheng and his always-true observations.

johnny’s not really sure if it’s better like this. because now, he  _ knows  _ that taeil knows, and that the older boy hasn’t pushed him away yet-- but he also hasn’t accepted johnny’s feelings or fully acknowledged them.

maybe this is worse.

“you okay?” taeil stands behind johnny with a drink in each hand. johnny doesn’t remember seeing the older boy get up to refill the two glasses, too preoccupied with his own internal crisis for his eyes to track the boy as he normally would.

johnny can’t help but glance at the path from taeil’s end of the booth to the bar, to how the seamless stretch of shadows must’ve been interrupted when taeil had gone out of his way to check on johnny. he wonders if taeil knows the effect he has on johnny, how each small caring gesture is enough to send him into cardiac arrest.

“i’m fine.” he says it when he remembers that questions normally warrant a reply, and no, you probably shouldn’t leave your crush hanging when they clearly care about you. taeil gives him a skeptical look and holds up a finger.

“be back in one second.” he glides back over to his end of the booth, drops off the drinks in the corner where jaehyun and mark wait with glittering smiles, and returns to johnny’s side in an instant.

johnny’s heart does a backflip against his lungs, harsh and instantaneous enough that he doesn’t think he’s felt anything more painful in his life.

“what’s going on?” taeil’s voice has always been able to match the setting well, reaching just loud enough for people to hear, but not so much that others could overhear. yet another perfect thing about taeil to add to the list.

“i’m good.” chatter floats around comfortably, a gentle reminder that he’s still surrounded by the safety of his friends. “just tired, i guess. don’t worry about it.”

taeil can clearly tell it’s a lie if the frown on his face means anything, but he doesn’t push it. johnny’s not sure if it’s better like that.

he spends the entirety of the next day in a daze. he walks into somewhere close to a dozen doors and a handful of walls, head throbbing while his brain echoes back,  _ he knows he knows he knows _ .

he brushes taeil’s concerns off enough over the following days so that the older boy stops asking altogether, instead fluttering around the background with worried eyes and empty arms. johnny hates knowing that he’s responsible for it, but he’s not sure what other options he has when he’s still busy having a breakdown over his apparently too-obvious feelings.

“you can’t keep going on like this.” yuta sighs once, when they’re going out for barbecue and talking about the whole twelve hours they’ve had apart.  “whatever is bothering you, it’s clearly messing with both of you.”

“i  _ know _ .”

“then what are you waiting for?” there’s probably a good answer to that, something involving fear and commitment issues, but johnny has been worrying about this nonstop and has never felt so desperate for someone to tell him to just  _ go for it _ .

“nothing?”

“alright, well, go do something! the longer you wait, the worse it’s gonna get.”

of course, it’s easier said than done; taeil had already noticed something was off at the dinner the other night, and johnny’s odd behavior afterwards probably hadn’t helped.

now, when johnny’s desperate for an opportunity to find privacy for the two of them, it’s nearly impossible to get.

every encounter is pillowed with a handful of friends and an approaching deadline, omnipresent enough to bring growing frustration as days continue to filter by.

he’s starting to get even antsier than before, always searching for opportunities to confront taeil and give a proper confession. he wants to say everything outright, to force a direct response instead of this weird vague acknowledgement.

taeil, on the other hand, seems to prefer that it stay like this-- every missed encounter seems to bring a brighter smile.

as much as johnny loves seeing the relief seep into their growing meetings, it’s getting harder for him to keep enduring forced casualness in place of honest confessions. he needs to step up and do something about it before the dam breaks and he ruins more than just their friendship.

he and taeil don’t see each other much over the following days. large group gatherings feel too intimidating when johnny can barely bring himself to try telling taeil alone, and they’re always bumping into each other in hallways or corridors right when either of them are in a rush to the other side of campus.

johnny wonders if he should just give up and let it be, stamp down the rest of his feelings and accept defeat before it even happens. as he contemplates the merits of throwing in the towel, he finds himself wandering the streets on the outskirts of campus.

(he’s tall and imposing enough to be safe even at night, especially since the area is well protected as is. but, really, yuta insists that johnny’s “emo rocker hair” makes him look even more intimidating, so that’s a plus.)

he sees movement somewhere far ahead; in the distance, johnny can barely make out taeil heading towards his and jaehyun’s shared apartment, tiny and distinct figure illuminated under rain splatters and dimmed street lights.

and, well, it may not be the most romantic of confessions, but it’s gotta count for something, right? (johnny’s not really sure  _ what _ it’s supposed to count for, but that’s not the point.)

_ now or never _ , johnny thinks.

“taeil!” he’s not sure what exactly he expects to happen when he calls out the other’s name, but he certainly doesn’t expect for the older boy to take one look at him and run for his apartment.

johnny is left standing there for a moment, nearly a block away, before his brain reboots and he sprints after taeil.

his long legs turn out to be good for something; he catches up to taeil before the older boy can hide in his apartment.

“don’t avoid me!” johnny pants the words out as taeil conveniently starts humming to himself. “i know you can hear me, hyung.”

taeil starts humming louder.

he sticks his foot in the doorway before it can slam shut, arm pressed against the frame as he desperately tries to catch his breath. taeil’s expression is a stupidly cute mix of adoration and disinterest all at once. it’s not very reassuring.

“oh. yes?” taeil smiles at him. it’s copied and pasted across a dozen of their group photos, so uniformly beautiful that johnny knows it’s fake. he hates it. since when did taeil have to fake smiles around him?

“taeil,” johnny wheezes out, wet hair stuck to his forehead and chest heaving after his sprint, “i think i’m in love with you.”

taeil blinks at him, pauses for a few moments, and then says, “tell me when you’re sure.”

and proceeds to close the door in johnny’s face.

overall, not the best confession experience. 4/10 would not recommend.

he’s a little tempted to bang on the door, to insist that he’s completely sure and that taeil hear him out all the way, but.

maybe he’s just overthinking it again, but johnny’s starting to wonder if his feelings are as genuine as he thinks they are.

because yeah, he’s been convinced for awhile that he’s head over heels for taeil, but the older boy has always been keen enough to make him doubt it now. if taeil is doubting it, then maybe johnny should doubt it too, right?

he recounts the whole event later, during what yukhei refers to as  _ white boy conversations _ with jaehyun and mark (to which yuta will smack him on the head and just say that he’s jealous for not knowing enough english slang to keep up with them), finishing his story with a sigh.

he’s met with silence, so he looks up to find the other two staring back at him with equally incredulous faces. he’s learned to associate that expression with their frustrated ‘ _ are you kidding me _ ’s that usually come with it.

“am i being dumb again?” johnny asks.

they both nod. in a weird way, it makes johnny feel better.

“listen,” jaehyun sighs as he sits up, slinging a casual arm around both johnny and mark’s shoulders, “if you love him, you love him. you can’t reason it away or try to explain it. you can choose to keep loving him, or you can choose to ignore it until it fades. but you can’t describe it into existence if it’s not there.”

“but how do i know if it’s actually love?” johnny presses. “what if it’s just a crush, or some stupid infatuation? what if i’m not even in love with  _ him _ , but i just like having someone there to be interested in?”

“ _ johnny _ \--” jaehyun starts, groaning, but mark cuts him off.

“wait, hyung, i got this.” johnny raises an unimpressed eyebrow. mark’s never exactly been known for giving good advice. (it’s not that he gives  _ bad _ advice, per say. he just doesn’t give good ones-- it’s usually mediocre, obvious stuff. johnny still appreciates the effort.) “you tried confessing, right? that means you actually like him. otherwise, you’d just, like, stop liking him and move on.”

“amen.” jaehyun murmurs. he and mark high five and grin.

“and, like, the way you talk about him-- hyung, you care more about  _ him _ than you do about you guys together.”

and that-- it makes sense in a weird way, but it also doesn’t, so johnny leans forward and says, “explain.”

“i mean, some people will say, ‘oh, i like them because they make me laugh’. but you’re just, like, ‘oh, taeil is really funny’. d’you get what i mean? that’s real love right there, man.”

“so valid.” jaehyun echoes. “and, just to avoid any future panicking-- the first way is okay, too, but it’s a bit more-- i don’t know, self centered? ugh, that makes it sound bad. i don’t know. the point is, my dude, you’re in love. stop doubting yourself.”

“right.” there’s a gear between his ribs that’s ready to click into place, but something still feels  _ off _ . he doesn’t know how to change it, though, can’t find the right lever to push it into a position that hurts a little less.

when he mentions it to kun, he’s not really expecting much of a response. he’s always been grateful to be able to confide in the other, but most of their interactions are limited to quiet understanding instead of actual advice.

this time, though, kun looks at him with calm eyes and pursed lips and says, “have you ever considered that by pushing this back so much, you’re only hurting yourself even more?”

johnny stares back, nods, and kun sighs.

“i mean, aside from the obvious ways, like running into walls. you’re not letting yourself talk to taeil, so even if he were to reject you, you’re not able to heal. and if he were to return your feelings, you won’t even confess, so you can’t ever be happy with him. you’re just avoiding confrontation because you know it would help. you can’t keep going around and acting miserable when you know it’s your own fault, johnny.”

kun stands up, dusts off his jeans, and gives johnny what’s probably the most pitying look in his life.

“you don’t have to live like that. no one does.”

kun leaves quietly, the sound of his retreating footsteps further muffled under the impact of his words. his little speech had been scattered between the cracks in johnny’s past refusals, covering up half-hearted excuses and embarrassing lies.

it’s a bit peculiar to realize that all he’s needed was for kun to point out his fears, and that the forced self-actualization had been inches away the entire time and he’d only needed some sand to fill in the gaps.

_ no more running _ , he promises himself.

the final stop comes to a skidding halt sooner than johnny had expected.

they’re hanging out with all of their friends, a conglomeration of bad jokes and old stories getting tossed overhead, and all johnny can think about is the fact that taeil’s standing next to him, only half-paying to the debates being led by their friends.

they’re still not alone, apparently destined to always be surrounded by the too-knowing laughter of their group, but it feels like there’s a tiny pocket in the universe reserved for the two of them. the space feels quieter, everything else fading into muted white noise in johnny’s very own romcom.

it’s too easy for him to put an arm around taeil’s waist and pull him closer, muscle memory taking over even as his he can feel his heart start to speed up.

taeil, to his credit, doesn’t mention the growing pounding of johnny’s pulse, just keeps laughing and lets johnny hide his face behind taeil’s head. he has to duck down to do it, a gesture that taeyong had once said that taeil thought of fondly. so. maybe johnny does have a slight chance, since taeil hasn’t gotten fed up with him yet.

the rest of their friends are otherwise preoccupied with their continuing banter, inside jokes and year-old references floating around as johnny gets further swept into taeil’s orbit.

“hey,” johnny hums it against the older boy’s hair, laughing when taeil turns to face him with a wrinkled nose and furrowed brows, “i’m sure.”

“what are you--  _ oh _ .” taeil pulls back to look at johnny for what feels like an eternity of searching and judgement. “you’re serious.” he says eventually. it’s a quiet statement, without any room for denial or refusal; it’s the final memory of calm before the hurricane finally hits land, and johnny is  _ terrified _ .

“yeah.” his voice shakes, just a little. if it wasn’t already obvious how nervous johnny was, it certainly is now.

taeil continues to watch him, never ceasing to catch every minute flinch and waver in johnny’s expression. he always feels bare when he’s around taeil, vulnerable in a thrillingly wonderful way. he wonders if that’s just the effect taeil has on people, or if it’s just johnny overreacting yet again.

“well, aren’t you going to say something else?”

“ _ me _ ? aren’t you supposed to respond, first? what kind of--”

“johnny.” taeil laughs, expression somehow even brighter than it had been the entire rest of the night. “ask me out.”

“oh. um, okay. do you-- wait, me-- we-- i mean, can you--”

“take your time.”

“us-- you know, like, do you wanna-- i don’t know, just--”

“i take it back. please just say it.”

“date?” johnny ends up saying helplessly. taeil looks back with unamused eyes, but the corners of his lips are already curving up.

“date.” taeil echoes. “what about this friday? after your studio class?”

“i-- fuck, yeah, that works. awesome.”

“i’ll wait for you after your class.”

“are you sure? you could stay at your apartment and i could swing by--”

“hey, gays! listen up!” johnny and taeil both turn to see a wobbling yukhei standing on the table. he holds up what’s left of his margherita, knocking over a few drinks on the table while the restaurant staff wince. johnny glances to check taeil’s expression, hesitating when he sees the older boy already looking back.

he smiles, and johnny couldn’t stop himself from smiling back even if he wanted to.

“i’m so grateful for all of you,” yukhei rambles from above them, pointedly ignoring the way mark tugs for him to sit down, “like, when i transitioned and everything all of you guys were there for me, and i just--” yukhei sniffles, loudly, and they all shout quick words of encouragement. “you guys mean the world to me. i don’t know what i’d do without you all, and i’m so--” he’s cut off when he has to lean down to puke into an empty crab bucket. it earns them another wince from the restaurant staff, but the mess is contained and no one’s been kicked out yet, so.

yukhei all-too gracefully collapses back into his spot, a dozen hands reaching over to pat his back and give him a few murmurs of affection. yukhei preens under the attention, but johnny can see the way he leans into mark’s chest and lets the younger boy wrap an arm around him.

and it’s cute, it really is, but all johnny can think about is how much he’d love to do the same thing with taeil (although perhaps without the drunk ranting or vomiting). he’s not sure how he doubted his own feelings for so long, but.

taeil reaches for his hand, impatient in a way that makes it seem like he had been waiting for johnny to make the first move all night.

“don’t forget about friday.” taeil says when they’re all getting up to leave, pressing a chaste kiss to johnny’s cheek and squeezing his hand.

“never.” johnny responds automatically. taeil laughs.

even when he drops johnny’s hand, it doesn’t feel empty. the space between his fingers is full of near-ahead memories and hopeful ideas, a comfortingly unfamiliar weight. even the spot where taeil had kissed his cheek doesn’t quite burn so much as it does brighten, the feeling warm and relaxing instead of as exhilarating and panic-inducing it used to be.

“everything go okay?” jaehyun asks when taeil finally leaves. it’s not long before the rest of them should start filing out, but johnny appreciates his friend checking up on him during the few minutes they have to spare.

“great.” he answers simply. “ya boi’s got a date this friday. finally got there, dude.”

“you did.” he holds up his hand, and johnny is all too happy to fist bump it. “fuck baby steps, man. look how far you’ve come.”

he doesn’t elaborate on that even as johnny blinks back in confusion, just continues to grin and offer a farewell before he follows taeyong out of the restaurant.

“you have come a long way.” yuta says suddenly, nearly scaring the shit out of johnny while he wipes his hands on a napkin. “like, you’re all self aware and happily in love and  _ everything _ . proud of you, man.” he pats johnny on the back, giggles, and brushes past him on his way out.

so.

with both jaehyun and yuta’s voices cheering him on in the back of his mind, johnny tugs on his jacket with a light chest and even lighter heart. he feels proud of himself, really, for confessing properly and asking taeil out (with slight guidance, admittedly) and for owning up his feelings in the first place.

he wishes he could thank taeil somehow for being the tipping point for so many of those improvements, but it’s late and he still needs to start heading home himself. maybe he’ll just give taeil a kiss of his own to make up for it.

he grins at the thought of it. it’d be nice to give back what taeil has already so freely given him; the image of a blushing taeil pops into his head and johnny can feel his heart skip a beat on pure reflex.

he can’t wait until friday.

**Author's Note:**

> ive been trying to finish this for Months and its finally!! done!!!!! ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  
> fun facts abt this au:  
> -johnny met yukhei+mark when he had to help mark give yukhei his tshot (it was marks first time and he was freaked out over hurting his "bro"-- suffice to say a lot has changed since then)  
> -taeil didnt rlly confide abt his feelings in almost anyone, but diff people know diff random bits and all figured out tht taeil also has a crush on johnny  
> -i feel like johnny gets shy photographing ppl?? so he does a lot of long exposure city shots n stuff like tht  
> -after they start dating, johnny starts to take pictures w taeil in it  
> come chat on [twt](http://twitter.com/woo6in) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/6woojin) Blease it wld make my day shdfkljf


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